if only you'd know

i thought you were just inches away
so i tried to advance closer
then you spoke that alien language
you were farther than the moon

if only you'd know
if only you'd know
i've been here for you
longer than you know

i spoke and you listened
but i didn't say it all
i didn't even say a bit about it
i couldn't play the ball

if only you'd know
if only you'd know
i've been singing for you
longer than you know

i couldn't look at those eyes
they make me feel like a child
and i shouldn't roll the dice
i must not lose my mind

if only you'd know
if only you'd know
i want to give it all for you
but it's something i musn't show

Turning My Safet Off (Sinosikat?)

Turning my safety off
I’m ready to talk to you alone
A kiss, a hug, another drink
Puts me right back to
Denial of persistent memory

I’m watching you
Make a fool of you
Over and over

You can leave the fire open
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway

Turning my safety off
Unclasping my guarded moments for you
Nothing here is apropos
And I’m crying out to saints and sinners alike

I’m giving you
All the soul I’ve got
Again and again

You can leave the memory open
You’re not dying anyway
You’re not dying anyway
You’re not dying anyway

Turning my safety off
I’m ready to fall in love with you
Over and over and over again

Turning my safety off
I’m ready to fall in love
With you

if you'll leave...

I saw it coming but still hoped for something improbable. I'm someone who never loses hope even in this kind of situations. You said I already know what I should do. Maybe I do. But I choose not to do it. I can't and won't leave you, Ditse.

And if you plan to leave, at least don't take away the little hope that I have with you. At least allow me to be what I am and what I feel for you. Let me be your Dico --- even just for the sake of the word. Don't take away my hope. It's everything that I have right now. If you plan to leave, please let me live.

You mean so much to me.

"...Pikit-mata kong iaalay ang buwan at araw
Pati pa sapatos kong suot..."

aaarrghhhh...

Here I am again. Maybe I was just trying too hard on what we are right now, thinking we should be something else. Am I just wishing too hard?

Tantanan na!

A friend told me this when I asked for advice during a "beer session".

"Tantanan na. Bakit, kayo pa ba?", she asked. She said this in her usual calm tone. Those words struck my heart and just made me feel the big hole in it. Yeah right. We're just friends now. And letting each other know our whereabouts won't speed up the healing process. It's just not the old days anymore. Everything should be different now. 'Coz things are DEFINITELY different now.

But why does she still inform me when she's on her way home or just woke up? Why does she still call me up at home just to check how I am doing? Why does she still show that she cares though she can't tell that she still does love me? Or does she really care?

"Para sa 'kin kasi, 'pag tapos na dapat wala na talaga. Move on na. Masyado lang humahaba 'yung sufferings mo..." I got the point. I agree.

But she said she'd still be here for me 'coz we were friends even before we had that special kind of relationship. I remember her saying, "Ikaw pa rin naman ang nag-iisang Dico ko. Sisiguraduhin kong kukulitin pa rin kita. Hindi naman ako mawawala. Nandito pa rin ako."

Then how can I possibly move on?

Headache.

the struggle...

It has never been easy. I feel that my love for her grows each day that passes by. But so is the pain. If she loved me before, then I won't believe that she doesn't love me anymore...

I understand the pain that she's been through. And I know that she just avoids being hurt again. It kills me to look in her eyes and see the coldness in there. The cold touch of her hand freezes my soul, causing my spirit to cease existing...

I struggle every minute. I close my eyes and hope for a temporary escape, wishing we'd be happy in my dreams. But even there it's haunting me. I feel the struggle, I feel the pain. When will it end?

I wait for each opportunity to see her, to feel her. And at those times I seek for the small chance that I have. I glimpse at every window. I knock at every door. She said she wonders if love is enough. I've asked the same thing before. And I seriously thought about it.

At first I thought it isn't enough. But on a second thought, why wouldn't love be enough? If it isn't adequate, then why does God tell us to love one another? Why would He ask us to do something that isn't enough?

If there is still love, then I suppose there'll always be hope.

This pain may eventually kill myself. I don't care. As long as this love lives in me, I'll forever wait for you, my Ditse.

I'm still waiting.

Hopelessly hoping...

Is she just holding back? I can feel that she still cares. Maybe she still loves me. Maybe...