if only you'd know

i thought you were just inches away
so i tried to advance closer
then you spoke that alien language
you were farther than the moon

if only you'd know
if only you'd know
i've been here for you
longer than you know

i spoke and you listened
but i didn't say it all
i didn't even say a bit about it
i couldn't play the ball

if only you'd know
if only you'd know
i've been singing for you
longer than you know

i couldn't look at those eyes
they make me feel like a child
and i shouldn't roll the dice
i must not lose my mind

if only you'd know
if only you'd know
i want to give it all for you
but it's something i musn't show

Turning My Safet Off (Sinosikat?)

Turning my safety off
I’m ready to talk to you alone
A kiss, a hug, another drink
Puts me right back to
Denial of persistent memory

I’m watching you
Make a fool of you
Over and over

You can leave the fire open
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway

Turning my safety off
Unclasping my guarded moments for you
Nothing here is apropos
And I’m crying out to saints and sinners alike

I’m giving you
All the soul I’ve got
Again and again

You can leave the memory open
You’re not dying anyway
You’re not dying anyway
You’re not dying anyway

Turning my safety off
I’m ready to fall in love with you
Over and over and over again

Turning my safety off
I’m ready to fall in love
With you

if you'll leave...

I saw it coming but still hoped for something improbable. I'm someone who never loses hope even in this kind of situations. You said I already know what I should do. Maybe I do. But I choose not to do it. I can't and won't leave you, Ditse.

And if you plan to leave, at least don't take away the little hope that I have with you. At least allow me to be what I am and what I feel for you. Let me be your Dico --- even just for the sake of the word. Don't take away my hope. It's everything that I have right now. If you plan to leave, please let me live.

You mean so much to me.

"...Pikit-mata kong iaalay ang buwan at araw
Pati pa sapatos kong suot..."

aaarrghhhh...

Here I am again. Maybe I was just trying too hard on what we are right now, thinking we should be something else. Am I just wishing too hard?

Tantanan na!

A friend told me this when I asked for advice during a "beer session".

"Tantanan na. Bakit, kayo pa ba?", she asked. She said this in her usual calm tone. Those words struck my heart and just made me feel the big hole in it. Yeah right. We're just friends now. And letting each other know our whereabouts won't speed up the healing process. It's just not the old days anymore. Everything should be different now. 'Coz things are DEFINITELY different now.

But why does she still inform me when she's on her way home or just woke up? Why does she still call me up at home just to check how I am doing? Why does she still show that she cares though she can't tell that she still does love me? Or does she really care?

"Para sa 'kin kasi, 'pag tapos na dapat wala na talaga. Move on na. Masyado lang humahaba 'yung sufferings mo..." I got the point. I agree.

But she said she'd still be here for me 'coz we were friends even before we had that special kind of relationship. I remember her saying, "Ikaw pa rin naman ang nag-iisang Dico ko. Sisiguraduhin kong kukulitin pa rin kita. Hindi naman ako mawawala. Nandito pa rin ako."

Then how can I possibly move on?

Headache.

the struggle...

It has never been easy. I feel that my love for her grows each day that passes by. But so is the pain. If she loved me before, then I won't believe that she doesn't love me anymore...

I understand the pain that she's been through. And I know that she just avoids being hurt again. It kills me to look in her eyes and see the coldness in there. The cold touch of her hand freezes my soul, causing my spirit to cease existing...

I struggle every minute. I close my eyes and hope for a temporary escape, wishing we'd be happy in my dreams. But even there it's haunting me. I feel the struggle, I feel the pain. When will it end?

I wait for each opportunity to see her, to feel her. And at those times I seek for the small chance that I have. I glimpse at every window. I knock at every door. She said she wonders if love is enough. I've asked the same thing before. And I seriously thought about it.

At first I thought it isn't enough. But on a second thought, why wouldn't love be enough? If it isn't adequate, then why does God tell us to love one another? Why would He ask us to do something that isn't enough?

If there is still love, then I suppose there'll always be hope.

This pain may eventually kill myself. I don't care. As long as this love lives in me, I'll forever wait for you, my Ditse.

I'm still waiting.

Hopelessly hoping...

Is she just holding back? I can feel that she still cares. Maybe she still loves me. Maybe...

Wait for you....

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I’m missing you and I’m wishing you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go?
You could have let me know; so now I’m all alone

Girl you could have stayed but you wouldn’t give me a chance
With you not around it’s a little bit more than I can stand
And all my tears they keep runnin’ down my face
Why did you turn away?

So why does your pride make you run and hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it’s a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I find it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you

Been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You gotta be feeling crazy
How can you walk away
(When) Everything stays the same
I just can’t do it baby

What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is and it just ain’t like that
Why can’t you look at me?
You’re still in love with me
Don’t leave me crying

Baby why can’t we just start all over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But you’re telling me it won’t be enough

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I find it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you

So why does your pride make you run and hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it’s a lie what you’re keeping inside
That is not how you want it to be

Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it’s the last thing I do

Baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I find it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you
I’ll be waiting …

again and again and again....

Here I go again. I feel so unimportant again. I hate this feeling, i hate to think that I'm being taken for granted again for someone else. This is too much for me to bear. Just wanna get out of this mess. Why can't you give me the little understanding that I ask? Why can't you see that I'm in pain everytime you do that? Why can't you make just a little sacrifice for me? Do you even see that I'm just here?

back! :-)

It has been a little more than a month since I last posted on this blog. Bakit nga ba? I don't know. Hehehe...

'twas a great day...

Waking up in that way really made my day. It was wonderful, something I won't ever forget. Thanks so much for the surprise ditse! :-)

It's something....

I know it is. I just don't know exactly what. But it must be something.

nice song... (grateful by julianne)

I’m stronger than before
I’m stronger than I’ll ever be
And I raise my eyes to the one, the one who made me see
Oh what I thought was lost but now was found
And I’m grateful

Grateful for the day you called my name
Ever since you walked into the door it’s never been the same
Mornings are brighter now, I’m not afraid
And I wake up each day with a smile on my face

‘Coz I’ve been in places where I couldn’t even see the light of day
And then you came

And I’m grateful
You showed me the way back to my beautiful
And I’m grateful
You showed me the way back to my beautiful

Everything seems different now
Things are turnin’ inside and out
With a new pair of senses to go with around
It doesn’t even matter if I’m up or down

Blues are bluer, smiles are brighter
It draws a tear whenever I watch the sunsets paint the sky
I don’t even mind walking under the rain
I’ve never laughed like this before and I’m gonna say it once more

to You

...'Coz I didn't know how to give until I've had You
I didn't know how to love until I've loved You...

Congrats for passing your NCLEX ditse!!!

why?

I've been telling my reasons
Yet somehow
In some ways
You don't hear...

"I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure."

I stumbled upon a website that has a list of funny bumper stickers (http://funny2.com/bumper.htm). It is really cool!! :-)

Closer by Imago

I knew we wanted something more
My heart is ready to shine
Like it’s never done before, ooh
I love the way you make me fly
One shot, this is the moment
We’ve all been waiting for, ooh

Are you with me, come closer
Are you ready to discover

Every moment gets better
When i feel this much for you tonight
Every moment gets better
Come again even closer and closer

Closer, closer

I want to savor it all tonight
One shot, we make it stand
No matter where we go, ooh
I love the way you take your time
One smile, this is the moment
We’ve all been waiting for, ooh

Closer, closer

..decisions...

I've always been indecisive. So afraid to commit mistakes or be the one to blame, I often opt not to do anything at all. And when I have no choice but to choose an action, I often go for the least risky move. Over time, I'd realize that I have to do something about this attitude.

It's a decision to decide. And it's a commitment to be committed.

I've made up my mind...

yey... :-)

At last!!!! After almost three months of working at night I am given a new shift. It is the Sunday to Thursday, 7am to 5pm. I just went to a friend's house and he was surprised to see how "thin" I am. "Ano'ng nangyari sa 'yo?" I was the one surprised at his look. His initial words made me think of what has really changed with me. Have I really lost too much weight? Maybe my night shift sched is the one to blame this time. Maybe. I know I hadn't slept that much the past months. I hadn't eaten the way I used to pig out. Haha. I don't really eat that much by the way. I eat so little. But I get hungry almost every hour. I wasn't able to eat so often. There were even times when I had to skip meals to finish the urgent tasks for our (very) demanding business analysts abroad. So much of abusing one's self for life's less important things!!!

"Magpataba ka ha!" My lablab ditse tells me now. And I think that's what I'll try to do this time...